It can be difficult to assess subtle cultural norms when you arrive in a new country. No one is going to tell you explicitly unless you ask some pointed questions or it just happens to come up in conversation. Sometimes the stories people tell are the most useful way of assessing what goes on, so I thought I'd tell you a couple of stories.
I've come across a chap that works in the hospital that I'm going to call Dave, safe in the knowledge that there probably isn't a real person called Dave! Dave is a borderline functioning alcoholic. I have seen him in the middle of massive DT episodes as he withdraws after a big night out or weekend but there are other days where he doesn't make it to work at all.
Most of the time he's a lovely smiley man and therefore is good company, on the withdrawal days he's a bit more introspective, probably because of the discomfort of his symptoms.
One day I asked him about his home life. He is married and has two children, one's a toddler and the other is about 9 months old. They live in a house the other side of the Great East Road. His wife doesn't work and she keeps a close eye on the cash. So far, so good.
So what do you do when you are at home? 'Oh, I'm hardly ever there!' Dave's routine runs like this: finish work, go home, spend 10-15mins there with the kids, go out to a bar with his mates, drink Kachasu (lots), come home when the household is asleep, go to sleep. In the morning he says he plays with his baby in the bed whilst his wife makes his breakfast. Weekends is similar - always in the bar, hardly ever at home.
Do your children even know you? 'Oh yes, when I get home they come rushing up, shouting Daddy Daddy Daddy' He laughs, completely oblivious to the undisguised look of contempt on my face - it's not that I'm not sympathetic to the problems caused by alcoholism, I am, it's just the lack of insight or care that bothers me.
I feel sorry for your wife. 'Why?' he looks a bit taken aback but not much 'She knew what sort of bloke I was when she married me.' There's a pause whilst I consider my response to this excuse. 'And, her parents really like me. They are forever telling me how grateful they are for how I look after their daughter. They even give me money when they come sometimes, I use it to buy beer!!' he says, nearly falling over with laughter.
Why on earth would any father be happy that their daughter was married to a bone idle (in terms of domestic/family responsibilities) alcoholic? And why would he give the guy more money for drink? It is Abraham that explained the pieces of the puzzle. Dave's wife comes from a very poor family. They couldn't or didn't afford to send her to school. Therefore she had no job prospects and was just a burden to them. They were happy that Dave took her away and put her up in a house and gave her a family. As far as they can see, Dave has a good job and he doesn't beat her, so it's all good... This is why many girls are 'married' off at 15 or so.
In Tiko's the other night we got some first hand evidence of the fact that there are worse husbands. Elkie (the owner) said she was expecting a very angry husband, who she alleges is guilty of gender based violence, or what I'd call domestic violence. The wife in question has been admitted to a local hospital and all of her belongings have been removed from his house.
When he arrived it wasn't hard to work out who he was. He was shouting a lot and clearly very angry about what had happened. His version of events is that it's all Elkie's fault. :) Because Elkie had the audacity to give his wife a job and coach her and then supported her to leave him. Elkie should spend some time thinking about the terrible thing she has done.
It's an interesting argument and, as Fi said, it is not false. Unlike most of the other women in the local area, Elkie enabled this woman to be independent of her husband for shelter and food - at that point she was able to leave him - and when he behaved unreasonably, she did. Elkie held the moral high ground until she lost her cool and shouted at the guy to 'shut up!'
Women in authority and even just in the workplace are much rarer here than at home. Without access to free education that situation is unlikely to improve in the short term, but that doesn't mean that even uneducated, unemployed women don't deserve to be treated with respect. There are many men in Africa, in general, that could do with learning that lesson. I hope that, as in India, increasing affluence will allow for larger numbers of televisions in rural areas and women will learn that they could/should be treated differently and start to rebel...
Going back to Dave for a second, he caught me in the corridor the other day to tell me about the trouble with his youngest daughter. She is very troublesome apparently. The trouble manifests itself as a refusal to sit quietly on her mother's back in a chitenge. She wants to be held at the front or, better still, left alone to be independent. I've heard stories about a similar little girl so the answer I gave him was simple. 'This isn't a problem. This means that you have a very bright daughter. You need to start saving now for her school fees and then in the future she will make you very proud...'
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